The Drama Circle: Victim, Villain, Hero or True Self?

Have you ever felt like you were caught up in a cycle of hurt and frustration; feeling like no one understands you? Well, let me introduce you to a tool that that has revolutionized how I see myself and my relationships with others. 

It’s called the “Drama Circle”, developed by Dr. Gay Hendricks, psychologist, counselor, professor, author and life coach. The drama circle identifies four different “states” or “roles” we tend to identify with. The goal is being our true self and our true self might be characterized by:

• Self confidence
• Healthy relationships; good communicator
• Balanced; healthy mind, body and spirit
• Sensitive / kind; aware of the people around you
• Open to growth and new ideas
• Responsible; do what you say
• Congruent; transparent
• Willing to take ownership of things
• Ability to handle difficult circumstances; make decisions
• Trusting 
• Connected to others

The next three roles we are often choose to cling onto hinder our ability to live in our, “true selves”. They are the Victim, the Villain and the Hero.

When we play the victim we feel we are powerless. We say things like, “If only...”, “I could never...” or “Someday...” As I think about a time when I played the victim I’m reminded that just this morning I was feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have the start-up capital that I need for a few ideas; other people were handed positions of leadership; other people have never had to struggle to make a living... Can you see what a victim I am! Well, that’s not the mindset of someone embracing their true self.

A villain tells people people what they can and cannot do. They want to be in control and commanding, generally in attack mode. They say things like, “You should...” or “If you would just...” or “Your problem is...” It saddens me to admit that I have spent a good portion of my adult life, “advising people” whether they wanted to be advised or not. An example being a villain or persecutor was when my friend wanted to join a church that was heavily into titles and she likes titles. Well, of course I thought it was a ridiculous idea and I really took her to task. I didn’t listen. I didn’t have an open mind. I had my ideas and she was going to hear them. What a jerk! That’s a villain.

Finally there is the hero. This is the martyr, the enabler, the co-dependent type who tell themselves that, “This person just couldn’t live without me.” This is a very toxic place to be because it prevents both the hero and the victim from moving towards their true self.

don’t tend to be the hero but I do remember a time, not too long ago when I ended up getting a little bent out of shape over the fact that I was always doing the dishes. Initially it was my gift and my contribution to the group. I was the silent servant, suffering and toiling away in the kitchen as my friends enjoyed deep meaningful conversation as they sipped wine in the living room. Eventually my, “servant heart” had enough and my response to my friends came out a little sideways.

What I learned from that incident was to simply ask for the things I want. That was a huge lesson that has carried over all aspects of my life. I can more fully embrace who God created me to be by not playing the victim, the villain or the hero. I can create healthy boundaries and daily strive to live in my true self.
Does your life reflect the attributes of someone living their true self? Which of these do you find yourself struggle most with? Please let me know.

Here is a link to a great article that shares more about this topic: http://www.marleneandbob.com/Personas.pdf

Jason Jaggard - Spark Good

Last night I participated in the last of 5 Spark Group meetings. Spark Groups are simply weekly gatherings with friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. and revolve around a desire to do something each week for 5 weeks that will make the world a better place.

People in our group reconnected with estranged family members, reached out to struggling friends and neighbors, and did a whole host of random acts of kindness that not only blessed the lives of those they helped, they found it to be very refreshing and fulfilling for their own lives. What an amazing concept! Actually, I don't think it's all that original. Some wise person once said, "Do to others that you would want them to do for you". Well, I guess that what we did and it felt great!

After the meeting I had the opportunity to meet the founder of Spark Good, Jason Jaggard. In his own words Spark Good was started because,

“We believe that human beings were designed to be extraordinary - that life was meant to be an exploration with others into discovering our God-given gifts and talents and unleashing them to serve whatever community we find ourselves in. Yet living an extraordinary life never happens on accident. It requires intentionality. It has to be chosen.”

Jason is very engaging and passionate about helping people move forward in who they were meant to become, “one small risk at a time.” We share this passion and for that reason I thought I’d introduce him to you.

If you want more information about Spark Groups, just go to www.SparkGood.com and there you will find all kinds of great resources.

Here’s a video of Jason sharing about Spark Good.

Doing "The Work": Perception Deception

I love to spend time around people committed to personal growth and health whether it’s spiritual, emotional, mental or physical.  Often times we’ll share resources that can be truly life changing.  Since I found some of these tools and applications life changing I thought that I’d share them with you!

One of the most helpful tools that I learned this past year is an exercise that Byron Katie has developed.  She calls it, “The Work” and essentially, “The Work” is suspending your judgments and perceptions (or misperceptions) about things and asking yourself these four questions.  

1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it is true or, better yet, does it matter if it’s true?
3. How do I react?  What happens when I believe this thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?

So, for example, if I’m having a conversation with someone that I respect and they seem distracted or uninterested (This recently happened to me.) I might think, “This person doesn’t really like me.” or “Someone said something to them that changed their opinion of me.”  This is where the four questions come into play.  After our brief conversation I was feeling a little insecure and I asked myself, “Is it true that Bob doesn’t really like me?”  “Can I know for sure that he doesn’t?”  If I choose to believe this thought it will only make me more insecure and awkward around Bob.  If I choose to believe that Bob had a lot on his mind and it had nothing to do with me then I can be sympathetic with Bob.  

The way that I handled this situation was that I sent “Bob” an email when I got home and let him know that I noticed he seemed very distracted and a little anxious while we were talking.  I wanted to make sure that everything was OK and that I was able to sympathize with all of the pressure that he must experience in his current position at work.  He responded kindly and with great appreciation and It was confirmed for me that our conversation had nothing to do with me.  

I’m amazed at how often we ascribe to the silliest of things to ourselves, but we need to remember that everyone is doing the same thing and a great way to become more emotionally intelligent (and integr8ed) is to ask ourselves these four questions.  

1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it is true or, better yet, does it matter if it’s true?
3. How do I react?  What happens when I believe this thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?

I hope that you find this as helpful as it been to me.  Please let me know what you think.  Post a comment below.  

The Power of a Personal Mission Statement

A personal mission statement is a powerful thing.  It helps guide your life; makes it more integra8ed! How often have we made seemingly small choices that had a significant impact on us down the road (both good and bad).  A personal mission statement can help keep our lives congruent.  Who you want to be, what you want to do, what you want to have are not easy to accomplish without stated values that keep you true to being you!

I’ve been going through a very intense time of evaluating my life; the who, what, where, when, how and why.   I’ve had various personal mission statements but I think I’ve finally landed on one that I can stick to.  My who is to be a catalyst, a challenger, an “activator” for good. I have always loved helping people.  When I traveled through Europe, I would be constantly stopping to help other travelers to help them get to where they were going even if I didn’t know myself.  I figured two heads were always better than one and of course I could also make a new friend!

So my new mission statement is: “I exist to create value in the world around me by identifying and addressing needs, fostering love, community and personal responsibility.”  Ok, so I’ve got the helping people thing in there, love (agape/unconditional love) is always good; community - our connection with all of humanity and personal responsibility which, for me addresses the whole person, mind, body and spirit; our responsibility to take care of ourselves, others and God’s beautiful earth.  And the only reason I included “personal” is when it comes to responsibility, it’s easy to think it’s someone elses.  It’s my belief that if I’m going to help make the world a better place then it has to has to start with me.

If you don’t have a personal mission statement, here are some tools that I used to develop mine:

• As you reflect on your past, what moved or stirred you?  What brought you great joy and fulfillment?  When were you at your best?
• This will help you figure out what you NEED to be doing to feel alive.
• What are your values?  Here is a list from www.SelfCounseling.com but this is in no way an extensive list. You can find many more values if you simply search online.  

Achievement	Friendships	Physical challenge
Advancement & promotion	Growth	Pleasure
Adventure	Having a family	Power and authority
Affection (love and caring)	Helping other people	Privacy
Arts	Helping society	Public service
Challenging problems	Honesty	Purity
Change and variety	Independence	Quality
Close relationships	Influencing others	Quality relationships
Community	Inner harmony	Recognition
Competence	Integrity	Religion
Competition	Intellectual status	Reputation
Cooperation	Involvement	Responsibility accountability
Country	Job tranquility	Security
Creativity	Knowledge	Self-Respect
Decisiveness	Leadership	Serenity
Democracy	Location	Sophistication
Ecological awareness	Loyalty	Stability
Economic security	Market position	Status
Effectiveness	Meaningful work	Supervising others
Efficiency	Merit	Time freedom
Ethical practice	Money	Truth
Excellence	Nature	Wealth
Excitement	Honesty	Wisdom
Fame	Order / Stability	Work under pressure
Fast living	Personal development	Work with others
Financial gain	Freedom	Working alone

• Think about ways that you want to make a difference in the world. What do you want your legacy or unique contribution to be?  
• How is it that you are going to accomplish your goal of making it a better place?  Think about what you need to do to be able to sustain this mission.

Having a personal mission statement doesn’t mean that you won’t make bad choices in the future but it certainly makes it a little easier when you have something to measure your decisions against.  

Please let me know if you have any additional suggestions!  Thanks so much

Do's and Don'ts When You're Stuck

10 things to do when you don’t know what to do.

• Take a walk
• Call a friend
• Read, listen, watch something inspirational
• Write thank you notes
• Make a to-do list, prioritize it and start on the first thing
• Journal
• Go to the library
• Eat some veggies
• Go to the gym
• Clean out your closets and donate it all to charity

10 things not to do when you don’t know what to do.

• Snack on junk food
• Channel surf
• Drink alcohol or do drugs
• Shop online
• Do other things online.... You know what I’m talking about
• Play video games for more than an hour
• Entertain unhealthy thoughts that lead to unhealthy things
• Spend hours on Facebook
• Sit at home alone feeling like no one loves you
• Don’t pick your nose or bellybutton (that’s dumb but I couldn’t think of another one.)

The inspiration for this blog post was that I was doing most of the things on the, “What not to” list so I thought I’d try to inspire myself.  I did get some cool stuff for my camera though!

Can you think of any more additions to that can be made to these lists?

Getting from Here to There

This morning I was listening to motivational guru, Tony Robbins and I even though I don’t ascribe to the power of self for change, I do believe that faith-filled people can benefit some of the principles that are taught by the self-help advocates.  

The steps that Tony laid out for reaching your goals are:

1. Get clear on what you want. This speaks to desired outcomes in life.  This reminds of the adage, “If you aim at nothing you’ll hit it every time.”  This to me, getting clarity about life and destiny directly correlates with our faith: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Heb. 11:1.  A vision needs to clear, concise and filled with faith.  If it’s not then it’s too small.
2. Take action. This means put your faith before your fears. I recently read recently (I think it was Brian Souza who said) that on the other side of fear is where living can be found.  Why do we so often allow fear hinder us from living the lives that we dream of having?  We need to take action, even if they are small steps each day to get through our fears and experience successes that move us towards actualizing our dreams.
3. Measure your results; know what you are getting.  Someone once said that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. If we aren’t measuring our progress then we’ll never know what or why the things we’re doing are getting us to where we want to be.
4. Make adjustments or course corrections.  I heard it said that airplanes are off course 90% of the time so the need to constantly be making course corrections in order to get to their destination.  I think this is a common problem for many of us. We’ve tried this, that or the other thing and it just didn’t work so we gave up and returned to living, “safe” instead of by faith and persistence.  

I think what really hit home for me was determining the “what”.  My life tends to be more about the “who”; about being and less about doing, but what I’m realizing is the importance of having a clear picture of who I want to be, what I want to do, what I want to have and why.  Once there’s clarity, then we can take action, measure our results and finally make the adjustments that we need to become the people we were created to be and have the impact that we were intended to have.  

What are your thought about this process?

My Manifesto: Credos to live by.

This morning I was listening to Seth Godin’s "Tribes" and one of his challenges was to publish a manifesto. According to dictionary.com a manifesto is a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization.  Well, this manifesto is actually personal; it the way that I would like to live my life and I want to surround myself with people who also embrace these credos.  So here it is.  My manifesto is to:

• Live by faith not by fear. 
• Love people without judgments or conditions. 
• Let gratitude be the constant expression of your life. 
• Never stop learning, growing, creating. 
• Lead by example 
• Be transparent - Keep it real! 
• Commit to living in community; invest in others and let them invest in you! 
• Live with sustainability in mind; now and for the future. 
• Take responsibility for change starting with yourself.
• Create value wherever you go. 
• Listen with the sincere intent to understand.  
• Remember that it’s the small choices that make the big difference. 

This is certainly not an extensive list of credos for my life but I think that it’s a good start and of course I can always evaluate and adjust it as I draw closer to becoming the person I believe I was created to be.
Do you or your organization have a manifesto or credos? Please share them because they might offer inspiration to anyone reading this. Thanks!

This is Seth Godin's TED Talk on, "The Tribes We Lead".

Packing seeds for families in need!

Yesterday I was honored to be a part of a volunteer seed packing program through Willow Creek Community Church that will benefit families in Zimbabwe, Africa.  It was inspiring to see families from all walks of life come together for the common purpose of serving those in need; people who are hungry and often lack hope.  The seed packets that were assembled can provide a response to both.  Thank you section 103F 9am for packing close to 20,000 seed packs.  Way to go!

Discovery: Living an Adventure!

Discovery: “The traveler was active; he went strenuously in search of people, of adventure, of experience. The tourist is passive; he expects interesting things to happen to him. He goes 'sight-seeing.'” Daniel J. Boorstin

Are you a traveler or a sight-seer? I love this analogy because it speaks so perfectly to the 8th value of being integr8ed, which is DISCOVERY! Helen Keller said that life is an adventure or it is nothing. Do you feel that way? Is life an adventure for you or are you caught up in the monotonous and mundane?

Very early in my life I made a promise to myself that if I woke up in the morning feeling unfulfilled, unmotivated or uninspired with what I had to do that day, I would take a close look at why and then make every effort to change it. I have been true to that promise every day since.

Most people ask, “but how can I live the great adventure when I have bills to pay, mouths to feed and responsibilities to live up to?” I believe that it’s less about what you are doing and more about how you perceive what you are doing. Some people call this, “reframing”. So instead of feeling like a victim of circumstance, we can reframe things in a way that minimizes the bad and enlarges the good. This, in part, takes us back to having a gratitude adjustment.

What are we grateful for and enjoy about our work? Spend more time focusing on that. Seth Godin talks about how we should be focused on offering our art to the world, our unique contribution; that which we really enjoy doing. If you can’t find even the remotest way to express your, “art” where you are, then maybe it’s time to develop a plan to find a place where you can.

What would your life look like if you were doing exactly what you were designed to do. Oprah Winfrey said, “The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.” Are you living a life of discovery; learning, growing, being challenged and inspired? If not, why not? That can change today if you take action - create an adventure by taking the family to a homeless shelter, get to know your neighbors by inviting them over, ask your boss if you can start a personal project that you are passionate about, start writing that book! The opportunities for adventure are endless.

I love joining people on their adventures; in fact I on one right now. I’m house/pet sitting for a friend who is in Peru living his adventure. Let me know if I can help you live yours!

Education: Pathway to Change

Education: the act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life. dictionary.reference.com/

What does, “mature life” mean? Perhaps it is taking responsibility for ourselves and the world in which we live; that we are constantly learning, growing and sharing that knowledge with others in the hopes of enhancing everyone’s quality of life.

Education is a vital component of “maturing” and creating any kind of change.  If people don’t understand or realize the consequences of their actions, it is very unlikely they will ever change.  We see education as information that people can use to make informed decisions; whether that’s knowing what is in our food, how people and animals are being treated in relation to the products we buy or maybe it’s just knowing how to access information.  

An important distinction about education is that  “Information doesn’t change the world, people do; with their ideas, with their knowledge.”  Oscar Berg  Obviously the internet has created an endless amount of information, but it’s not necessarily the information that impacts people. I learned how to read, write and do ‘rithmatic but I don’t think it changed me. It was the people who were passionate about the subject matter, congruent and transparent that made the biggest impression on me.  

Education really only leaves it’s mark when it inspires change; change in the way we see the world, how we act, how we think.  In what ways can you inspire those around you with the knowledge you have acquired throughout your life?  Share something today that has improved your quality of life significantly.  

Infinity: Cycle of Life

The infinity symbol can also be represented by the figure eight because of its continuous, perpetual path.  This is my world view.  We are all interconnected; humanity, creation and the Creator and we have a choice to join in the positive, life giving energy of the Creator/God or to strike out to find our own path, generated from our own energy.  

Regardless of whether or not we join the Creator in His plan or strike out on our own, our lives will have some element of impacting the infinity loop.  The impact of our lives corresponds with how much and the type of energy that we generate.  

So, in the best case scenario, we work real hard, we help some people along the way and we die.  Our legacy is what turns the corner and returns to the world of the living.  If we helped more than we hurt; gave more than we took, loved more than we feared than there might be a chance that a positive cycle will be perpetuated.  But if the opposite is true then our legacy or the impact of our lives will perpetuate negative cycles.  

When we join God and His plan then we are contributing to something much larger than ourselves.  As we learn to trust His plan then His strength and energy grows in us and positively impacts those around us.  

All of this might sound a bit mystical but here is another way to put it.  I believe that we are all born into this world with the seed of the Creator inside of us.  As we grow and become more self-aware, we long for connection, purpose; to make a positive contribution.  The Creator seed can only grow once we die to ourselves and the Creator seed is the key to connection to Him, others and all of creation.

What do you think about the idea of the Creator seed?  Does it make sense that we first need to die in order to live?

Responsibility: Ownership Over Outcomes

Responsibility: The ability to respond.  Are you more inclined to react to things or respond to them?  We associate responsibility with being reliable or dependable, but at the core, it has a lot to do with emotional intelligence and our capacity to take ownership over outcomes.  

Responsibility corresponds with the sixth value of I.N.T.E.G.R.8.T.E.D. and is important because society has been trending away from taking responsibility for things.  Actually, I have been failing to take responsibility for things and taking responsibility starts with me!

We find it easier to blame others for our actions, lack in judgement or difficult circumstances.  Lawsuits are being filed every day because we won’t take responsibility for ourselves.  Capable, intelligent people have been relying on subsidized programs for generations because we don’t want to take responsibility for ourselves.  Powerful, wealthy, influential people continue to support policies, make decisions, lie, cheat and steal thinking they have no responsibility to anyone and feel they are above paying the consequences of their choices.  

Why has becoming responsible become so difficult?  It’s my firm belief that once we take responsibility for our actions we will begin to see a shift in how the world responds and rewards us.  The more responsible we become the more we will be trusted, respected and compensated for our efforts.  

One way to develop responsibility is to have accountability; someone or a several trusted “someones” to keep us in line with our values, goals or aspirations.  Are there people in your life that can help you become more responsible with your time, talents (give back), resources, goals and aspirations?  Why don’t you start meeting with them regularly and I think you will see a nice return on your investment!  

Do you need a gratitude adjustment?

Gratitude: Recently, during some quiet time, as I was having a bit of a pitty party, a thought popped into my mind; “What you need is a gratitude adjustment.”  Of course the thought initially made me laugh but very quickly my laughter turned to tears and repentance.  How in the world could I ever feel sorry for myself?  I have so much to be thankful for and so I began to make of list of the many things for which I am so very grateful.

Gratitude is an attitude that needs to be nurtured every day.  I work with a lot of well intentioned people who want to do good in the world, but often the ugly face of entitlement appears which sets them on the path of indignation, anger and discontent.  Entitlement can show up anywhere, with anyone.  I am certainly no exception.  When I spend my money somewhere, I expect to receive good service and unquestionably, we should have healthy expectations for others.  

What we need to remember however, in the upside down economy of abundance is that I am simply a vessel or conduit by which things (hopefully good things) flow through.  I deserve nothing and I am thankful for all things (even the bad things) because they are what shape me, teach me and help me be the person I was designed to be.  

The measurement for determining gratitude and the hard work of living gratefully comes from self-awareness or better yet, selfish-awareness.  Whether you believe it or not, the universe does not revolve around us as individuals.  We are part of a much larger plan and once we embrace this revelation, we will start functioning as a part of this amazing plan.  

Some ways that we can become more grateful are:

• Come alongside someone who has been left in the margins of society.
• Expand your world view by traveling someplace that exposes you to thoughts, beliefs, sites, sounds, smells and a culture very different from your own.
• Keep a gratitude journal.
• Remind yourself of the people and things for which you are grateful each morning when you wake up and before you go to sleep.  
• Extract the good from the bad; when bad things happen, consider the positive aspects that can come out of them.  
• Become an encourager and thank people for the value that they have brought you.  
• Take time each day to meditate, giving thanks to your Creator for all the good things you have.
  
  

Here is a video that I found about gratitude.  It has a bit of a New Age feel which might be of concern for some, but try to receive the message as it pertains to you and your place in life.  I think that the Declaration of Gratitude is a good way of starting every day. 

Excellence - is it overrated or integr8ed?

Excellence - overrated or integr8ed? What does it mean to be “excellent”? Why isn’t mediocre good enough. Well, in some instances it may be but if we are to become the people we were designed to be then we should embrace an attitude of excellence. 

The root of excellence is excel which means to rise up or surpass. You might ask, “what are we rising up from?” We are rising up from all the things in this world that say, You can’t do it; you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough; You’ll never amount to anything; If people knew who you really are, no one would listen to you, follow you, buy from you, be your friend. 

Living excellently or exhibiting excellence in your workplace, your home, in your community or place of worship means rising above the negativity found in those places and offering your best. It’s true that sometimes our best falls short, but when it does we have two choices; we can feel defeated or we can learn from our failure, grow from them and use them to our advantage in the future. 

Excellence is not a competition against the world to be the best or the greatest. It’s the process of becoming a more integrated person; someone who is giving their best to become a whole, healthy person or organization. Do you value excellence in your life or is good enough, good enough? Who do you really want to be remembered as? 

If you are looking for inspiration about finding your passion, destiny and having a great career.  Watch this:
  
Why you will fail to have a great career: Larry Smith

 

Transcendence: 3rd Value

Transcendence is that place beyond self-actualization. It’s our legacy, our gift or contribution to the world. Transcendence isn’t necessarily a state of being as much as it is a state of mind or disposition. Transcendent living is derived from an altruistic approach to life; caring for the needs of others, concerned about the condition of the world and taking action to address those issues. 


Transcendence is the third of 8 value of I.N.T.E.G.R.8.E.D.org and it’s probably the one that connects all of the others because it isn’t just a value, it’s a philosphy in and of itself. Living a transcendent life really takes a lot of intentionality and work to implement. Most of us don’t wake up in the morning asking ourselves, “How am I going to make the world a better place today?” We are usually asking ourselves, “How am I going to pay all my bills?” or “What’s the most important thing on my to-do list?” or “Is there any hope in salvaging my relationship with....?”


There are tools that will help us live more transcendent lives and perhaps if we practice using them it will be easier to move away from being so preoccupied with ourselves and towards a place that elevates others and helps us realize how connected we are with the world.
Some time ago I did a talk about moving from egocentrism towards altruism. I put this video out before but I thought it would be a good place to recycle it. How are you growing in your self-awareness to be able to use your gifts, talents, experiences and passions to a positive mark on the world?